The Horrors of Valentine's Day
by Mistress Zelda
Summary: Back from hiatus! While being forced to stay in Daath by Natalia, the group along with the God-Generals must deal with the horrors that Valentine's Day can bring. Oneshot. Rated for Suggestive Dialogue. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!


Well, after an 18 month hiatus, I'm back! I'm probably going to update all of my chapter stories over the next month, hopefully people are still reading it. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy reading my newest story! And I hope you all know my clean review policy! Because you don't know who is reading your reviews.

**Disclaimer**: In no way do I support any of the parodied pairings shown in this story.

Today is a magical day known as Valentine's Day. And I'm sure you all know what that means…

It started…well actually a week ago when everyone's favourite Kimlascan Princess reminded everyone…

"Valentine's Day is in 7 days people!" Natalia shouted.

Luke blinked. "Wait, what's that again?"

Everyone moaned in unison. Again. For the 43rd time that day.

"Valentine's Day is a day where you give valentines to your loooooved ones, Luke," Anise answered cheerfully "Or you can give them to a rich guy and hope he gives you lots of money! Heehee…"

"And there's a huge emphasis on LOVE, Luke," Natalia added. "Like lovey-dovey kissy face love." Natalia swooned. "Romance is so wonderful."

"Sounds boring," Luke huffed. "Girls are weird. Why would I want to do something like that?"

Guy face-palmed and shook his head. "Luke…you idiot…"

"Ladies, he's all yours," Jade said with an evil grin.

And so, Tear, Natalia and Anise all kicked the tar out of Luke.

And this continued for the rest of the week. Everyday Natalia would count down and everyday Luke would forget and get his butt kicked.

Then finally, the day arrived and Natalia woke everyone up at 5:43 A.M.

"It's Valentine's Day! It's Valentine's Day!" she screamed, dashing through the halls of the Daath inn.

Reluctantly and half-asleep, everyone poked their heads out of their rooms and shot Natalia a death look.

"Nataliaaaaa…" Luke moaned. "It's not Valentine's Day until like, noon, when I wake up."

A fiery aura burst out from around Natalia. "I DON'T CARE! Valentime's Day is SERIOUS times."

"Don't you mean –tines?" Luke asked.

Natalia threw a wet cat at him.

And so, they were all forced to wake up and join Natalia for a special Valentine's Day breakfast. The princess stood and cleared her throat.

"Good morning everyone! I hope you slept well!"

Natalia failed to notice the rest of the party. There was Luke, who was asleep in his pancakes, and Tear, who was passed out on the table. The rest were distracted, such as Guy and Anise. Guy was gulping down coffee at an alarming rate in order to stay awake and Anise was trying to tame the beast that was her bedhead. Then, of course, there was Jade. He just sat there, his eyes closed, peacefully sipping his morning tea without a word.

"As I have reminded you all frequently," Natalia continued. "Today is Valentine's day, and I just so happened to have forced you all at arrow point to stay here in Daath. Which…just so happens to be where Asch is right now."

Everyone groaned, even the people who were asleep.

"Since he and I are going to prance the merry flower fields of romance, you all are free to try to do the same with your loved ones." Natalia nudged Tear. "I know you and Luke are going to explore romance today."

"Nude ballerinas…" Tear mumbled.

"WHAT?!" everyone exclaimed, except for Luke who actually just woke up, whipped cream all over his face.

"Erm…nothing…" Tear answered, embarrassed. "So…what's everyone else going to do?"

"I'm going to go find the richest guy around here and see if he wouldn't mind the cutest girl in the world as his valentine," Anise responded with an evil grin.

"I think I'm going to go girl watching," Guy said. "…without the touching though. What are you going to do Luke?"

Luke rubbed his face which was dripping with syrup and cream. "…I think I'm going to shave."

"I'm going to do something _special_ for everyone, just for Valentine's Day." Jade spoke calmly, without opening his eyes. He took a sip of his tea, and a smirk flickered across his face.

Everyone's eyes widened and they scooted away. However, Guy was in the midst of another gulp of coffee, and upon hearing this, he spat it out.

"GAH! I've been poisoned by Jade!" he screamed, running out of the room.

Jade's expression did not falter, which frightened the group even more.

Meanwhile…

"Asch! Asch! Wake up!"

Asch moaned and placed a pillow over his head. "Shut up…go away…"

"Oh but Aschy!" pleaded a familiar and obnoxious voice. "It's Valentine's Day!"

Asch sighed and shot a sleepy glare at his waker. "Dist, get out of here before I harm you brutally."

"Oh come on! Get up sleepy-head! I need you to help me find Jade." Dist dodged the vase Asch suddenly threw at him. ""Oh fine! Be grumpy!"

Asch wanted until the hum of Dist's floating chair could not be heard. He then attempted to fall back asleep, but he failed. After 30 minutes of fruitless tossing and turning, he dragged himself out of bed, got dressed and slowly ambled down the outrageously long hallway to the dining room. Each God-General was already present, save for Dist and Van. Arietta was eating her usual meaty breakfast because of the meals her "Mommy" gave her every morning. That is…before Luke, Jade and Tear slaughtered her. Sync was eating his usual sugary breakfast that he always tried to conceal. Although he denies it, he is still a replica of Ion and desires sugary substances to fuel his mood. However Sync's mood was always apathetic or sarcastic. Largo sat with that angry "get away before I lacerate you" look while eating scrambled eggs and drinking his pitch-black coffee.

Asch considered his options and decided to sit next to Legretta who was drinking her coffee and eating a muffin.

"Good morning Asch," Legretta greeted with fierce intensity.

"Erm…hi…" Asch answered timidly.

"I hope Van knows that day it is. I have something special for him."

Asch blinked. "You want Van to be your valentine?"

"Yes, my love for him burns with the intensity of Mt. Valeho." Legretta responded with no loving expression or voice, just…fierce intensity.

Asch didn't say anything to her. He was too dumbstruck as well as afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Van entered the room and cleared his throat. Everyone stopped eating and stood in Van's honour.

"Please sit," Van instructed. "As you all know, today is Valentine's Day. Not only that, but I have been informed that Luke and his friends are here in Daath. So, try to fit their torture into your schedule.

Van walked around the table as he said this. When he passed Asch, he released something from his hand into Asch's lap.

Asch looked down and noticed a pink card with a red heart on it. He opened it and this is what it said:

"_Dear Asch,_

_Remember when Akzeriuth was blowing up? I said, "You're too precious to lose." I wasn't kidding. Will you be my valentine? I know you won't refuse because I've caught you staring at my steamy hot bod._

_XOXO_

_Vandesdelca Musto Fende."_

"Asch, what is that?" Legretta asked fiercely.

Asch looked up at Legretta with frightened eyes. "N-Nothing!" He immediately ran out of the room. "I have to stay away from Van for the rest of the day or I could get killed! Or worse…illegally touched by him." Asch shuddered and began his mad dash out of the underground barracks below the Cathedral.

After an hour of getting lost in this huge, obnoxious place, he made it into the fresh air outside. He was safe, but not for long…

Meanwhile, Anise was attempting to orchestrate love between Luke and Tear. It wasn't working.

"Oh come on!" Anise pouted. "You guys are always flirting! Just make out already!"

"Anise, I don't think Luke knows what that means…" Guy said.

"It means that you and Tear exchange food-dissolving liquid by means of movement of the buccinator and orbicularis oris muscles," Jade explained.

"Sounds painful," Luke replied.

"Oh it IS," Jade continued. "Not only is it painful, but you can catch a horrible body-crippling disease called the Cooties."

"Cooties?!" Luke exclaimed. "Ew! I'm never making out with you, Tear!"

"Honestly Jade, Cooties!?" Guy whispered.

Jade smirked. "What can I say? I'm obviously a descendant of Cupid."

Tear glared at Luke. "Fine! I don't care about you! I already have a valentine! Um…" she spotted Mieu sniffing some flowers. "Mieu! He's my valentine!" She snatched him up and kissed him on the head. "Ha! We had a pre-marital kiss! What do you say about that?!" Tear turned and stormed off with Mieu.

"Hey Guy! Did I just get…um…what was it called? Oh yeah! Laid! Did I just get laid?" Luke asked.

Guy face-palmed and heard Jade snickering behind him. "Yes Luke, you just got laid."

"I'm going to go tell everyone!" Luke shouted and ran off.

At this time, Asch was sitting on the stairs leading up to the Cathedral, attempting to catch his breath.

"AAAAAAAASCH!"

Asch looked up slowly and caught a glimpse of the most horrifying sight known to man: Natalia charging forth with the look of a crazed romantic.

"No! Stay away Natalia!" Asch warned, bracing for impact.

Natalia tackled him "Oh Aschy! Fate has led us to his exact spot on this exact day!"

"Look Natalia, I NEED to get out of here. You see Van—

Natalia put her finger to his lips. "Hush, my love! Let us profess our love to each other in my inn room."

"Get away from me, Succubus!" he screamed, pushing her away.

"…what did you call me?" she asked.

"Erm…nothing…" Asch replied. "Anyway, I thought I've told you that I'm NOT interested in you. And even if I were, I would have nothing to do with this horrible, disturbing day."

"But Aaaaasch," she whined. "I'm wearing lingerie under my clothes just for you!"

Asch's eye twitched. "…I think I just threw up in my mouth. Go bother that dreck Luke, would you?"

Natalia sighed. "FINE. But I might be back!"

Asch sighed with relief as she left. He leaned back and was content with himself. However his eyes widened in fear as he heard a deep, creepy voice call his name…

After his incident with Tear, Luke decided to stroll around Daath for a bit to get his mind off things. …That is if he HAS a mind.

"Luuuke!" shouted Natalia as she bolted towards him. "BE MY VALENTINE!"

Luke, in great surprise by Natalia's exclamation, was tackled. "Wait Natalia! I thought you wanted Asch!"

"Well…erm…" she stammered. "I realized that YOU are my true love!"

He blinked. "Um…right…whatever that means…"

"Hey Luuuuke…" she said with a creepy grin. "Wanna come to my inn room?"

"Sure," Luke replied and happily followed Natalia.

Back to Asch now. He turned around in fear to see Van standing over him.

"Uh…hi Van…" Asch greeted, attempting not to show his fear.

"Did you get my message?" Van asked.

Asch's eyes widened but he attempted to keep his cool. "Um…yeah…"

"And your answer?" Van's gaze was intense and intimidating.

Asch gulped. If he said yes or no, he would be killed either way. He had to distract Van with something. He couldn't mention Legretta because Van may go on a rampage…along with Legretta. But who else on Auldrant could Asch possibly distract Van with? As he thought, Van's look intensified, until it looked like a glare.

Asch was so nervous, his ideas jumbled together and he said: "I don't want to get in the way of the love between you and Luke!"

Silence.

Asch was scared.

Van stayed quiet, until…

Van burst into tears. "It's true! Oh it's true! I love you both!"

"WHAT?!" Asch exclaimed.

"I know! I'm upset about it too!" he replied. "But I have to decide."

"Maybe you should ask Legretta," Asch suggested. "She knows a lot."

"Well, I GUESS I could," Van responded. "I need to go think a bit. I shall announce my choice later today."

As Van left, Asch felt a mixture of confusion, disgust and relief. However, there was still a chance that he will have to answer Van's request. Knowing that, he realized that he needed to make Van want Luke more. He sighed. "Guess I'm going to have to go find that dreck Luke along with his annoying friends. I hope I don't run into Natalia…"

Reluctantly, he walked into the town. Immediately he noticed Jade who was watching Anise chase Guy around.

Asch swallowed his pride and approached Jade. "Uh…how do you do…?"

"Oh hello there Asch. My, you're looking as chipper as ever," Jade greeted sarcastically.

Asch glared at Jade. "Where is Luke?"

"Oh the king of Valentine's Day himself?" Jade replied with a smirk. "He's with Natalia on a romantic adventure in her inn room."

Anise jumped into the conversation. "Are you jealous, Asch?"

"No," he responded. "If anything, I'm a bit disgusted."

"Luke's always a hit with the ladies," Guy added.

"Wait, I hit ladies?" asked Luke who suddenly appeared.

"Whoa, Luke! When did you get here?!" Guy exclaimed.

"Just now," Luke answered. "Oh, hey Asch. Why are you here?"

"He wanted to see what you and Natalia were doing," Anise replied. "By the way…what WERE you doing?"

Luke blinked. "I don't really know. She started taking off her clothes and I told that it was a weird time to take a bath. Then I left."

Everyone stared at him with gaping mouths, except for Jade who was snickering.

"And then she threw a table at me," Luke continued. "In fact, I feel a little weird…"

Luke passed out. No one really knew what to say at that point.

"I'll just take this…" Asch said, snatching Luke's ankles and dragging him away.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Anise asked.

"Nah," Jade replied. "Asch is harmless. The chances of Luke getting killed by him are only 85%"

Guy shook his head. "You're messed up, Jade."

"Oh Guuuuy!" swooned a familiar voice. "You're my new valentine."

Guy's eye twitched; Natalia was right behind him. "N-Natalia, I thought you loved Asch. …or wait…Luke? Well, both of them I guess."

"Oh, you silly," Natalia responded with a giggle. "I love ALL THREE OF YOU."

Natalia placed her hand on Guy's shoulder causing him to let out a yelp and dash away.

"GUY! YOU CAN'T ESCAPE MY LOOOOVE!" Natalia screamed, charging after him.

At this time, Asch had successfully dragged Luke's unconscious body to Van's door. He then knocked and quickly retreated into the next room.

Van opened the door and looked down. "…Luke?" He looked in every direction before quickly dragging Luke into his room.

Asch sighed with relief when he heard Van's door close.

"Asch…why are you in my room?" asked an intense voice.

There stood Legretta with her usual fierce glare.

"Er…I'm…here to help you with Van," Asch lied.

"Thank you," Legretta replied with intensity. "I only want Van to hold me in his arms and shower me with his eternal love."

"You should really work on your emotion problems," Asch commented.

Legretta's glare intensified. "What emotion problems?"

"…nothing," he replied. "So…what is your plan with Van?"

"I am going to give him a letter confessing my feelings. Here is the letter." She handed it to him.

It read:

"_Van_

_I have been diseased with incontestable feeling of admiration for you. I believe that we should engage in holy matrimony and produce 2.7 offspring. I desire an immediate response, maximum of 24 hours after this document has been obtained._

_Legretta"_

Asch raised an eyebrow. The ferocity of the letter was making his hand shake. "Uh…it's very romantic, Legretta. He'll love it. Now…go give it to him." He pushed Legretta in the direction of Van's door and sprinted the other way. However, he collided with Sync.

"Ow!" Sync exclaimed. "Watch where you're going!'

"My day has been awful," Asch answered. "Don't push my anger."

"Same here," Sync agreed. "Between you and me, Arietta's been a little creepy."

"Oh no, not another love problem…" Asch complained. "Let me guess, Arietta's in love with you and you don't feel the same?"

"Ew, no!" Sync responded. "Supposedly, before her 'Mommy' died, Arietta became engaged to a male Liger and she's already planning the wedding. And for some reason, she wants me to be the flower boy or something."

Asch blinked. "That's a little scary."

"What's been wrong with your day?" Sync inquired.

He sighed. "Well, Van asked me to be his valentine which was REALLY creepy so I ran away. Then Natalia tried to force me into being her valentine but I distracted her with Luke. Then Van asked me what my answer was to his plead and I lied that I didn't want to get in the way of the love between he and Luke. …but it turned out that it was true and he told me that he would have to decide between the two of us. I knew I had to make Van favour Luke if I wanted to save myself, so I dragged his unconscious body to Van's door."

Sync was silent. "…I…I don't even know what to say to that."

"AAASCH! SAVE MEE!"

Sync and Asch both looked in the direction of the scream and they noticed Guy scampering away from the love crazed Natalia. And, of course, they collided.

Natalia grinned. "Aha! I have Guy, Asch and…Sync?! Ugh! Where's Luke?"

"According to Asch, he's in Van's room," Sync replied.

"What?!" Natalia exclaimed. "I have to go in there and save him!" She and the others rushed into Van's room to see an interesting scene.

Van was sitting at a table with Luke. On the table there was a lit candle and a chocolate heart cake. Legretta had her arms folded and an even more intense glare plastered on her face.

"Van, you…you can't possibly love this red-haired replication, can you?" Legretta asked.

"Um…hasn't it been apparent?" Van answered. "Don't you remember that one scene on the ship? It was so romantic."

Legretta's eye twitched. "I wasn't there for that…"

"YOU CAN'T LOVE LUKE!" Natalia screamed. "HE'S MINE! Along with Asch and Guy."

Van glowered at her. "You wanna go, princess? We'll fight for them."

"I'm so confused!" Luke yelled.

Anise, Jade and Tear all entered the room as well. "Oh so this is where you all are," Anise noted. "Isn't this Valentine's Day the best?"

"NO!" everyone else shouted.

"No one got to be with whom they wanted! This is the worst Valentine's Day ever!" Natalia complained.

"I know what will fix this," Jade said, pulling out a container of cupcakes with pink icing. "I've made these all for each of you."

Everyone snatched one up and began devouring. Suddenly, all the anger in the room disappeared as they all munched the sugary desserts.

"Mm! These are good!" Tear commented. "What did you put in them, Jade?"

Jade smirked. "Oh, just flour, sugar, eggs, milk, oh yeah, and each cupcake has a different heart disease mixed in."

Everyone stopped eating immediately. "What?!"

"I think it's highly appropriate," Jade continued. "It IS Valentine's Day, you know. The heart is the main symbol. So therefore, it is completely necessary for my delicious cupcakes to have a heart disease within them. Don't worry, you'll only be in the hospital for 8-10 weeks tops."

As the entire group began spitting out their cupcakes and running about in a fit of mass hysteria, Jade smiled and said: "Happy Valentine's Day, everyone."


End file.
